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Text Box: A House United – Living in Harmony with Your Teen Ivy J. Algazy, C.E.C. - Certified Empowerment Coach   Does this sound like a familiar conversation with your teen? w What were you thinking? w When I was your age, I …… w Look at you, what are you wearing? w You want to what!?!?!? w I can’t take it anymore. w Why can’t you be more like…… w Wait ‘till your father gets home! w YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!!! If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you are probably an average American parent of a teenager.  It will comfort you to know that numerous parents of teens confront these very same issues every day, just like you.  You are not alone!  How do you answer these questions? w How equipped am I to deal with these issues?  w How do I really want to handle this? w Why all this screaming? w What is a better way? Coaching is an answer to these questions.  Today more and more parents are realizing that with our changing world parenting has become increasingly difficult. It seems like your parents and theirs before them said those exact words, but with our expanding technology and a lifestyle that is quick as a “New York Minute”, life today is different than generations before us. First let us begin with a picture of the average American family.  How does that look to you?  For me, there is no clear picture.  In past generations, the American family would have been easy to envision - mom, dad, two children, the dog, and the station wagon.  Today, an American family can be a two-parent family, a one-parent family, a stepparent family, and the list goes on.  We must consider the diversity of the American family; racially, religiously and gender orientation-wise.   It just is not simple anymore and neither is parenting.  However, a similarity from the past does ring true for parents today and that is that raising teenagers still produces immense anxiety.  Let me pose some parenting questions that I have found cause parents immeasurable anxiety and concern: w How do we get our children to make the “right” decisions?  w What are the “right” decisions?  w What is my role as parent?  w How can we affect our children to become functioning adults in society?  What would you think if I were to say that there are no right decisions?  What if you did not classify decisions as “right” or “wrong” but rather “better” or “best”?  Above all, what if decisions were looked at as life lessons?  And what if these lessons affected your children to reach positive roles in society?  If you continue reading, I will introduce you to the world of Parent Coaching, sharing with you specific skills to enhance your parenting.  Adolescent Development The period from birth to young adolescence is a time of tremendous growth and a unique experience for both parent and child.   Momentous developmental “milestones” occur that bring about numerous physical and mental changes.  Each child develops at his/her own pace.  Parents watch with great pride at the strides their children make.  Parents have now spent thirteen years instilling in their children their ideals and standards, planting seeds of values, ethics and learning.  So why when children reach their teen years do they now look towards their peers for direction? According to Piaget's theory on the stages of cognitive development, a child progresses from the Concrete Operations stage to the Formal Operations stage somewhere around the age of eleven and twelve.  The Formal Operations stage continues through adulthood.  At this stage thinking changes from concrete thinking to more abstract thinking wherein the teen now develops logic and reasoning skills.  They develop their own sense of independence and autonomy, struggling with the age-old question – Who am I?  During this quest for autonomy, they enter a new stage called adolescence.  It appears that they now forsake their parents and all those values that their parents have given them.  For parents, it seems as if a stranger has taken over the body and mind of their sweet, caring, well-mannered son or daughter.  Attitude changes in teens are rampant.  But parents do not despair!  Remember those seeds that you have planted during the first thirteen years, well; they are deep down inside your child, waiting to bloom again.  Give your child the needed space, nourishment and independence to grow and you will see those values again.    The question is how do you as a parent of a teen now cultivate that teen to become a thoughtful, capable and responsible adult.  At times it will seem impossible, but using coaching skills will help you make it through! Raising a child through these teenage years can sometimes be frustrating, unnerving and add severe anxiety to the climate of the home or it can be a time of learning, sharing and maturing for both teen and parent.  You can choose.  Parents who work together with their children find that there is more harmony in the home.  When we teach our children the simple concept of responsibility and consequence, they grow to understand that only they are accountable for what they do.   The blame cannot be passed onto the parent, the teacher, the friend; they alone are responsible for their own actions and the consequences that come with those actions. Coaching Parent: Parents who adopt the model of “Coaching Parent” and coach their children through adolescence have greater success at parenting.  A coaching parent asks questions and gives choices rather than telling their teen what they will do.  Coaching parents offer options within boundaries and speak with their child about the best options.  Coaching parents also make expectations realistic and reasonable, communicating the expectations in a clear and unambiguous style.  This approach fosters collaboration and ownership of the decision, compelling the teen to consider expectations when making the decision.  This coaching method supports the teen’s responsibility for his/her choices.  Central to this concept of responsibility is that the teen understands the consequences that might occur from the choice.  Accepting the choice that the teen makes empowers parent and teen, which in turn provides both a sense of success and satisfaction.  Setting Limits Setting limits seems to be one of the most difficult jobs that a parent experiences.  For many parents setting limits means keeping your teen in line with what you as a parent feels is the best decision for your child.  For many teens, parents’ limit setting communicates that the parent is trying to keep control of the teen as well as that the teen is not mature enough to understand and make decisions.  Teens might perceive this as parents “telling them” how to live their lives.  Not only does this bring anxiety to parents, but to the teen as well.  When parents make decisions for their teen, this absolves the teen from all responsibility, teaching that mom and dad will make the decision for them and that whatever the outcome, it is not their problem.    Remember, during this period of your teen’s life, they are learning to use abstract thinking that includes reasoning and logic.  If you as a parent do not enhance these skills with allowing your child to make decisions, they will not grow into reasonable and logical adults.  Parents might have trouble with permitting their children to make decisions, worrying if the “wrong” decision would be detrimental.  I am not suggesting that when it comes to your child’s safety and health, that a parent sanction a decision that would compromise the health and well being of their children. In those situations, each parent has to determine what is best.  However, I am suggesting that other choices can be decided upon by your teen with your input.  Remember, I mentioned offering options within boundaries.  This means that when your child wants “something” as a coaching parent you would say,  “Before you make that decision, why don’t you share with me some of your options and I will also offer some ideas, we can brainstorm and this way you can make a informed decision?”  As opposed to saying “Why would you do that, that is the stupidest choice I have ever heard.  I want you to do this instead, it is a better decision.” Yes, you as the parent might have a better understanding of the issues and might think that your option is best.  Is it not the best scenario for this situation to provide your child with the option to learn?  What would be better for your child’s learning and self-esteem then being allowed to make his/her own choice?  Would it not be more beneficial to your teen if he/she “owned” the decision as well as the responsibility and consequences of the decision? There is another area of setting limits that troubles many parents and that is when to say no.  It appears to be easier to “give in” or “do for” your child than say no.  What is the lesson being taught here if parents agree to all the desires of the child?  Does it teach our children what life is really like?  Does it teach that we do not get all that we want and that sometimes the answer is no?  Coaching parents ask empowering questions, encouraging their teen to explore and understand why “no” might be the best answer.  Punishment or Consequence? I am not a great believer that punishment is a valuable tool, however, I believe strongly in the power of consequence.  For reasons mentioned above, teens tend to push the limit with their behavior, without any thought of consequence.  When parents discover that their child has acted inappropriately and disregarded their boundaries, the child is punished.  The teen becomes angry, blaming everyone else but himself or herself for the situation, absolving them from responsibility.  What if parents spoke with their child about appropriate behaviors, expectations and together they negotiated limits?  What if the child knew the ramifications of inappropriate behavior ahead of time?  What decision would be made?  In this situation, it now becomes the teen’s responsibility to own his/her behavior and take the consequences for inappropriate behavior.  How To Be A Coaching Parent A coaching parent is open to speaking with the their teen, not only to their teen.  A coaching parent can be honest with their teen, explaining that at times it is difficult to parent a teen and that as the parent, they are doing the best possible job.  Parents will not always make the best judgment calls, but neither will the teens, therefore each party should be understanding and empathetic to errors in judgment of the others.   Establishing the practice of open discussions without criticism of the other will enhance familial harmony and unite the house.  You Can SURVIVE Your Teen Using coaching techniques in our parenting does make it easier.  Keeping in mind some easy keys to parenting teens makes our lives and the lives of our teens more harmonious.  Using the SURVIVE technique to parenting will help parents to understand their teens, make stronger relationships and bring tranquility and calm to the home.  Speak with your teen, not to them. Understand their world Reach out; encourage their growth Validate their feelings and needs Independence within reason and with rules Value their viewpoint Emphasize trust and respect _________________________________________________________________________ Who’s Agenda Is It Anyway? – Ivy J. Algazy, Certified Empowerment Coach The nonprofit world is an interesting place.  Is it a world truly guided by altruism?  Is it a world guided by business?  Who are the people involved in nonprofit?  Why are these people involved?   What motivates the nonprofit world? In the coaching world, we say it is motivated by the client’s agenda.  As coaches we listen and guide by asking empowering questions, inspiring our client to find their dreams and achieve their goals. A client comes to the coach seeking this guidance because they need assistance to reach their goals.  This appears to be a fairly uncomplicated process.  At times the client gets off track and we coach them back on track.  Seems harmonious!  We take pride when our client’s move forward.  Now to the world of nonprofit…  Whose agenda is it anyway?  The need for coaching has never been so apparent.  Many organizations find that clarifying the agenda becomes a difficult task.  As many members take on leadership roles, they bring their own personal agenda to the table.  Achieving united goals in the best interest of the organization becomes second to individual interests and visions.  So how can coaching bring this varied group together to believe and achieve the same vision?  For many organizations in the nonprofit world, coaching in its simplest form would be beneficial to help clarify not only visions, but also roles.  It is particularly essential to the whole process that the client (the organization) keeps in mind that coaching is not consulting and that the coach does not hold the answers.  The coaching concept encourages the client to assess and understand the information collected and to jointly with all parties to make determinations according to what the organization feels in its best interest. Let’s begin here with vision clarification.  How can visions be clarified?   This coaching process should begin with a complete assessment of each stakeholder’s vision for the organization.  A stakeholder is anyone involved in the direction of the organization: Executive Director, development staff, program staff, Board of Directors, volunteers, constituents, etc.  Assessment may be done simply by surveying each stakeholder using a questionnaire designed collaboratively with leadership and coach or by utilizing already existing evaluation tools.  The results gathered from evaluating these multiple sources (stakeholders) will establish a foundation to mutually determine the agenda, along with a unified team that will be ready to move the “action” forward.   Leadership should understand that this is a timely process as well. When a vision is established, it is time to move on to determining each of the various team members’ roles, further enhancing the organization’s cohesiveness.  The coaching process begins with individual coaching sessions for all major team members.  This will offer insight into the responsibilities that each person would like and where he or she sees his or her own role in the organization.  Additional group coaching sessions with all stakeholders would be conducted to see how the group works collaboratively.  The findings from all coaching sessions would be assessed to determine each member’s strength in the vision areas as well as to establish which members would work best together.  This process would move the group forward to clearer delineation of roles and achieving the organization’s joint vision.  Now at this point in the coaching process with a more interconnected group, truly a team, we continue coaching delving into specific areas that may be hindering the organization’s growth.  Separating members into special interest cohorts geared towards specific agenda items evolving from the group’s “vision discussion” will further facilitate movement towards the organization’s joint vision. Included in the following is a list of possible cohort sessions: w Strategic planning o    Membership o    Fundraising o    Programming w Board development o    Training o    Recruitment o    Revitalization w Policy development w Governance w Conflict resolution Beneficial to an organization’s growth and development is when stakeholders realize it is time to evaluate, assess and “move the action” forward.  Valuable is when the stakeholders realize that they cannot objectively “move the action” alone, but a professional coach is the solution.  Priceless is an organization working collaboratively without any distractions in the authentic direction towards the vision and mission of the organization.  A coach will help give new perspective and new interpretations to the same old same old.   Outlooks become fresh and clear and the coaching process makes the new visions more acceptable to each stakeholder as they realize that it is all about them and the answers are theirs. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________